While I’ve done much experimentation, I am no scientist. Because I lack this particular deficiency, I listen to my heart. I can feel Dawkins glaring at me from the pages of The God Delusion as I type this, but yesterday, after professing myself an atheist, I had some experiences that yanked me back toward agnosticism. If you’re guided strictly by cold reason, go ahead and stop reading.

When I’m not hosting rattlesnake fights, I like to watch movies in my free time. Last night, I watched a film in which two men—one of whom is a naked, born-again Christian—smoke “dank” and argue the existence of God. Well, this is strange, I thought, I was just rambling about this myself. Keep in mind, one of the sets in this movie is a long, downhill street, presumably in L.A. So fast forward a few hours, and I am watching a second movie (I never finished the first one—despite the drug use, it wasn’t that good). A friend of mine who has recently had a series of genuine, Christian spiritual experiences calls me and says he read my first post. As he is talking, characters in the second movie walk down the same street that was in the first movie. Wow, I think. I felt like somebody was trying to tell me something: it’s not every day I am bombarded with these questions from the entertainment medium I’ve chosen. It’s odd, at least, that these phenomena occur on the very day when I proclaim from the mountain top that I just plain don’t believe the hype.

A bit of a stretch, right? “So what?” ask the wielders of fierce logic. Well, there’s more. Yesterday I also visited some friends and we discussed DMT and meditation experiences. This was not all that uncommon, but it did remind me that I’ve seen and felt things that, while not proving the existence of God, did make me want to hold out on declaring with near certainty that there isn’t one. Kooky, I suppose, but there it is.

So while Dawkins continues to make a great argument against the existence of God, I continue to have certain experiences that render me unable to fully embrace his stance. I guess I’ll have to remain here, perched on the fence as usual, arguing with both sides to pass the time.

I might be an atheist. This is actually a bit of a surprise to me—something I’ve only recently come to admit. Again. A friend of mine loaned me Richard Dawkins’s The God Delusion, and, well, the dude makes a lot of sense (Dawkins, I mean).

When I was a sprout (an angry, bitter sprout), I detested religion, especially Christianity, and thought I should combat it wherever it reared its blue-eyed and blond, bleeding, thorn-crowned head. Atheism was a good fit—it was the weapon of choice for angering Christians and a great way to break the ice for spirited (no pun intended) conversation: “Hey. Do you believe in God?” Admittedly, my love of conflict and preference for discussing religion and politics has somewhat dimmed, yet I am still intrigued with this whole God thing.

I love Dawkins’s wry, biting voice, yet as he presents his argument, I find the Devil’s Advocate within me wanting to disagree. Problem is: I can’t. He makes too much Goddamned Sense (excuse the capitals, but these are Lofty Topics, are they not?) Here I am, a mystical agnostic Taoist with Dionysian tendencies, coming to realize I may be, by Dawkins’s definition, just a plain old atheist. Now what am I going to talk about at the bar? I’m not even a hundred pages in and I’m already losing grasp of who I thought I was. I’m fairly certain most of what I believe is illusion anyway, so it’s actually not all that disheartening. You have to roll with those reality punches, you know?

I have wondered, on occasion, what it would be like if that metaphorical concept in the bible—Hell—was literal. I die and am dragged off Shakespeare’s “stage”, Ghost-style, kicking and screaming apologies to a Trinity who just sneer(s) and turn(s) to me a deaf ear. Too late now. Boy, was I wrong, I think as I plunge into searing darkness. What’s that? Wailing? Gnashing of teeth? I guess I won’t have anybody but myself to blame. Clearly, it’s not like no one never tried to ever warn me.