Monthly Archives: August 2019

Mindfuck

I was slogging away in the triple digit Nevada heat when I received one of those phone calls we don’t want to get, yet keep the ringer on all night so we don’t miss. A long-time friend of mine was beaten and left in the desert. He died in the hospital.

I collapsed in the dust amid my scattered tools. I sobbed, choked on despair. I was slammed by that irrevocable sense of loss—the emotion of death—of some palpable, human sensitivity being ripped away. I wanted to vomit but could only cry in the middle of a construction job site.

My co-worker offered me a ride home. I tried to make jokes—it’s my last defense against the devastation of tragedy, but I just kept thinking of that goofy kid, a kid who got caught up in some bad shit, but a kid struggling to breathe, blasted by the sun, bones broken, lips split. I couldn’t wait for the numbness that inevitably follows such emotional output.

It was all bullshit. I found out, after about an hour, that it was somebody’s fucking prank. Never have such diametrically opposed emotions shared space in my mind and body. Intense rage coupled with extreme joy. The re-contextualizing of reality brought about by a death coupled with deep shame at having been hustled. I was a sap, a rube, a fool, and I wanted very much to meet the author of this lie, and have a frank and violent discussion about his antics.

What a mindfuck. I was numb the rest of the day like I’d gone to a funeral, but I had no reason to feel that way. I’ll take this kind of resurrection any day over the death of a friend, but believe me: it is a thoroughly enervating experience.

I’ll say this. To those of you yet untouched by death and illness and all the shit that breaks us or engenders empathy in the human soul, think twice before posting some false bullshit that people might take seriously. Think of people’s mothers if nothing else. Maybe imagine your mother hearing that kind of news. Or imagine one of us who cares catching up with you in person.


In Love at the Motel 6

I'm concrete-dusted
Sun-beaten
and tired as a slave
from building in the Nevada summer

Her laugh enlivens me
She's so smart it makes me hard

We wait for her son to sleep
I hold her
Tell her she fills my heart with light
like a sunrise in my chest

We fuck in the bathroom
her legs wrapped around me
grinding away
into the sweetest oblivion