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Hard Hat Jesus

Doug thought the Nevada skies were as blue and bright as the eyes of sweet Jesus himself. The Elko desert spread out before him in every direction. Pungent sage gripped the dry earth; cicadas buzzed like hundreds of tiny rattlesnakes. Doug and his uncle had parked their beat-up, diesel-fueled Ford to the side of the dirt road that cut a swath through the tenacious sagebrush and outcroppings of skin-tearing desert granite. A dusty apparition had risen behind their vehicle as soon as they turned onto the dirt road and haunted their progress until they stopped, where it settled back beneath the tires which had animated it. Doug listened to the tick of the cooling engine. He liked the hardy beauty of the desert, especially in the evening when the sun lit the landscape with its dying purple tones. But now the sun was just rising, and the day would be long and hot.

Doug thought about how much his father would have liked this scene, though he wouldn’t have liked why they were out here. Unc always called Doug’s father—also named Doug—”Dougley-Do-Right”, a name his father hated. Unc and Doug Sr. were about as different as brothers could be, and the rebel teen in Doug Jr. always admired the over-grown bad boy who was Unc. On Doug Jr.’s fourteenth birthday, his father died of a heart attack, and Jr. went to live with his uncle.

Doug approached his uncle, who stood near the driver’s side with the door open.

“What you doing there, Unc?”

Unc shook out a couple caterpillar-shaped lines of cocaine into the grooves in the seat of the Ford.

“All right then, I’ll grab some brews.” Doug reached into a cooler stowed in the back of the truck and freed a pair of beers lodged in the ice. He popped the tops with the edge of Unc’s lighter before taking a long pull on one and placing the other on the hood for Unc. Doug thought he would never taste a beer as good again.

“Thanks, boy,” said Unc and snorted the mixture of cocaine and desert dust through an old rolled-up dollar bill. He handed the bill to Doug and drained his own beer in several gulps. Unc grinned—something he only did when he was feeling right. Sober, Unc was silent and cold as marble.

They each pounded several more beers and snorted another fat line of coke. Faces numb, hearts pounding, they shouldered their camouflaged deer rifles—both thirty-aught-six, mounted with scopes, filled with long and wicked ammunition.

They hiked along the dirt road, their only conversation the crunch of their footsteps and the clinking of the beer bottles in Doug’s backpack. The sun rose steadily; the day grew hotter. Paranoia crept up on Doug, and with good reason. Deer season didn’t open for another two months. He wondered if poaching deer was a sin. He didn’t want to poach, but they didn’t put in for tags—Unc said only Californians and faggots put in for tags. And God certainly didn’t go for homosexuals, so how could He frown on poaching?

Unc picked his way uphill through thickening sagebrush. The air was heavy with the musk of the Nevada desert—sage and dusty earth.

Doug tried to lose himself in the euphoria of the coke, but when that failed he did what he always did when he was nervous and started talking.

“I’ll tell you what Unc, that sure is some good shit. I thought you was getting ripped off at that price, but my heart feels like it’s going to jump out of my goddamn chest.”

“Yeah, I know, right?” Unc turned around as he spoke and the bore of his rifle gaped at Doug for an instant. Doug took an involuntary step back.

“Hey, you know, maybe we should of brought them vests with us,” said Doug, referring to the dirty, orange safety vests still wadded up under the driver’s seat in the pick-up. Both men were dressed cap to bootheel in desert camouflage—more to hide from people then the partially color-blind deer.

“You want to get caught?” Unc’s cigarette-battered voice made him sound like he was about to hack up steel wool and broken glass.

“Well, no. I don’t. But there ain’t nobody out here, and I just think, well, you know.”

“Will you loosen up and stop with all that sissy choir-boy shit? You’re just like your old man. Fucking Do-Right, Jr.” Unc shook his head and fired a snot rocket into the sagebrush.

Unc continued up the hill.

“Safety first, that’s all.” The perspiration soaking through his clothes made Doug feel like he’d just stepped out of a sweat lodge.

“No vests,” said Unc, his tone settling the issue.

Doug slipped on a sand-covered stone and dropped his rifle—CRACK!

Unc hunched into himself like he’d been clubbed over the head as the round tore up the ground a few feet in front of them. The cicadas went mute, but ringing filled both men’s ears.

“Jesus jumped-up Christ! You trying to kill me?” yelled Unc. Doug readied himself for an ass-kicking, but Unc only let out a whoop like a deranged Indian. “Goddamn, boy. I’m going to need myself some new drawers. Shit, give me one of them beers.”

Doug hands shook so badly he could barely pop the tops. Unc took a snort directly from his baggie of coke and eyeballed his nephew.

“What’s the matter? All shook up? Here, have a little bump to steady your nerves.” Unc passed the cocaine to his nephew. After his bump, Doug drank his beer and imagined how terrible killing Unc would have been—the splattered blood, the shattered bone. The two of them didn’t really have any family left—just their mother. But she wouldn’t come to Unc’s funeral. Doug would be the only person standing over Unc’s closed casket, the only person shedding tears. Unc had a wife once, but she left when Doug came to live there. Sometimes Unc said fuck her, family sticks together; sometimes Unc said he hated Doug for chasing off the only woman he ever loved. The fact she would have left anyway didn’t make Doug feel any better.

What did make Doug—and Unc for that matter—feel better was slamming more beer and snorting more coke.

“You think they’re over that ridge, Unc? I think they are. I can feel them. Remember a couple years back when we came out not too far from here?”

Unc nodded.

“And we saw them as soon as we came over that ridge, like this one, and they were all there, and you just whipped up your rifle and fired once and they all took off and you thought you missed?”

“And then we humped over there to check,” said Unc, “and there was that big old buck lying in the snow with the top of his skull blowed off.”

“And there was that mess of brains,” continued Doug, “steaming in the snow next to him, remember that? I still can’t believe you made that shot.”

“Yeah,” said Unc, “and his tongue was sticking out like this.” He twisted his head to one side, doing his best dead deer impression. Both men laughed. Their laughter died, then their conversation. They finished their beers and were back on their way.

They neared the crest of the ridge in silence.

At the top, something bolted between them. Though it couldn’t possibly be a deer, both men brought their rifles to their shoulders and found themselves aiming at one another.

Doug’s heart felt like it was trying to escape through his sternum.

“Boy,” said Unc, “we’re fixing to kill each other if we stay together.” Unc pointed east where huge sagebrush and a few fierce trees reached up from the desert hard pack. “You head over that way. I’ll go this way. If you see any bucks—hell, any kind of deer—try to flush them to me. I’ll do the same.”

Doug crashed through the tall sage and around rocky outcroppings. His mind wasn’t on the hunt anymore. He felt a pleasant haze despite the heat of the day. He wasn’t worried about poaching fines anymore; he felt invincible. He wasn’t worried about his job at the factory, or about how much he’d been missing church recently due to his hang-overs. His twenty-eighth birthday was coming up and he finally had someone to celebrate it with besides Unc—an overweight but pretty gal he’d met at a bar with a mechanical bull. His first serious girlfriend. She laughed often in piercing bursts, a kind of shriek that Doug found annoying, but he liked her. No person, especially female, had ever treated him with the tenderness she did. Her hands were soft, light, and she smelled sweet, like baking cookies. He loved the way she smelled most of all. He imagined himself marrying her, walking down the aisle with his hair slicked back and his unruly whiskers tamed for a day. Maybe they would have children—little boys or even a baby girl. He might be able to love a little girl, if she could learn to hunt.

Doug heard a branch break and he stopped dead. His head barely topped the brush here and a deer could easily have been hiding nearby. He listened, every muscle stiff and tight. Silence. Then a jack rabbit burst from the underbrush and sped away from him. He relaxed and his thoughts returned to his girl.

Unc’s bullet ripped through his heart before he heard the shot.

Doug started to fall when he saw it.

How he and Unc hadn’t already seen the two-story wooden cross being built in the middle of the desert confounded Doug. The racket of hammers, saws, and pulleys was enormous. Strangest of all, the builders were angels. They flew down to collect boards, sawed to the correct length by other angels, and soared back up—packing the wood on one shoulder to more angels who attached the pieces with nails and ancient mallets. The angels were robed, filthy, and sweating. Despite the heat of the day, they worked at an amazing pace.

Standing at the foot of the cross was a man with his hands on his hips. Though he lacked wings, he was similarly robed, yet less dirty. In place of a halo was a hard hat. He turned suddenly, as if Doug had surprised him, and then approached.

“What are you doing here, boy? We aren’t hiring off the street.” His eyes were bright blue, his pale face sunburned on his nose and cheeks. His voice was deep, soothing. Long blond hair slipped the restraints of his hard hat to dangle around his glowing face.

“Jesus?” asked Doug.

“That’s what they call me.” Jesus produced a can of Copenhagen from within his robe. He snapped the can several times with his middle finger to pack the chew to one side. He put a huge dip in his lip and then proceeded to light a cigarette.

“I sure didn’t think the Son of God would smoke and chew. Especially at the same time.”

“Why not? Did I ever say you shouldn’t smoke? Or chew?” Jesus flicked ash off his cigarette and fired a thin stream of tobacco-spit into some sagebrush. “All this moralizing is kind of hard to take from someone doing toot.”

“No one calls it that anymore.”

“Whatever,” said Jesus. “What are you doing here boy?”

“Well I was just hunting and then I heard this shot—”

“Hold on,” said Jesus as he turned to bellow at one particularly ragged angel, “Does that look level to you? Christ, you have an eye like a dead fish! Slap your whiskey stick on there. You obviously can’t eyeball it.” He turned back to Doug. “Sorry about that.”

“Is this real?” asked Doug.

“What?”

“This…all this? The cross? You?”

“Oh, I thought you meant the world in general,” said Jesus. “Yes, I’m real. So is the cross. As real as anything else. Nice, huh?” Jesus spit again. “That baby’s going to be tits on a Ritz when these sorry sacks finish up. Carpenter angels—I’ll tell you—they’re hung-over on Monday and half-drunk on Friday. Only good three days a week.” Jesus removed his hard hat to wipe his brow.

“If this is real,” said Doug, “then that means there’s a Hell. So, there is a Hell, right?”

“Kind of. Not like you’re thinking. People make their own versions. I don’t have much to do with all that.” Jesus shrugged and lit another cigarette. He offered one to Doug, but put the pack away when Doug only stared at him.

“Am I going to go to Heaven?” asked Doug.

“Do you want to?”

“Well. Yeah.”

“I don’t know.” Jesus shook his head. “Drunk on Sunday, doing cocaine all the time, having lustful thoughts.” Jesus counted off the sins on one hand, the lit end of his cigarette bobbing up and down as he spoke. Doug felt a profound terror hatching in his gut.

“Oh, Father, please forgive my sins! I am weak, I fell prey to the Devil—”

“The Devil?” Jesus cleaned the dip from his lip and laughed. “Relax, I’m just kidding. You can go to Heaven if you want.”

“So all them other religions, they’re wrong?” asked Doug. “I knew it.”

“No, no. They’re not wrong. How could they be wrong, Doug?” asked Jesus. “They all come from the same place. There is only one place to come from, after all. This is all there is.” Jesus held his arms out, extended from his body, as if to hug the whole world. Or die again. “You experience what you perceive. Or is it the other way around? I forget. I never was much of a philosopher, despite the rumors.” Jesus dropped his smoke in the desert dust and ground it with his heel. “Truth is, it doesn’t matter what you believe. You want to believe this?” Jesus swept his hand toward the cross and laboring angels. “That’s fine. Believe it. Go on son. You’re saved.”

Doug hit the ground, his heart in tatters.


Just Talking

These last few months, I’ve become relatively sober, and my head is starting to clear up (I was usually a functional guy), but I’m finding I feel like “me” all the time. I’m still up and down like a rollercoaster, like so many others, but there’s more of a steadiness in my head now.

I also found my life still waiting here with all the rise and fall of sensation, all the push and pull of my emotions, and I’m finding the whole process a lot easier to deal with. I can’t help but feel a little bad that I spent so much time caught up in addiction and alcoholism, that I haven’t really pushed myself as hard as I should have in my writing, my art, and the the things that are worth doing because they are difficult. But, hey man, that was my path and every step eventually lead me to this kind of half-assed, shaky peace. But I tell you what, I feel it taking root in my heart, which was a place I filled with hate for a long, and difficult time.

Now I see blessings every day. I went from an atheist skeptic, to a skeptical believer in the unity of all things, because in my best moments I experienced it for a sublime but fleeting moment. And those moments are the best reminders to me that we live, we suffer, we desire, we love if we’re lucky, and sooner or later the flesh stops containing us. And that’s hard on the people who stay behind, but you know, what can you do?

I guess, really, I’m grateful that I have life left in me. Many of my friends went before me and I’m not even that old (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it).

If you’re reading this, I want you to know, I genuinely wish the best for you. And if you’re not reading this, I still wish the best for you. And if you’re feeling good, I urge you to share that good energy with someone, in some way, if you can. Lord knows there’s plenty of fuckery afoot to go around.

Don’t give up. Stay positive (as you can). Someone told me the definition of “kung-fu” is excellence, achieved through effort, over time. You can have a kung-fu of cooking, fighting, teasing squares, whatever. I hope you have a kung-fu of some kind in your life. And I hope you can get everything you need.

Thanks for checking this out, if you got this far. I hope it was a satisfying use of your precious time.

I know I feel better.


Four Storm Haiku Variations

There's a keening wind
Blowing lonely through my door
Grey the sky outside

There's a keening wind
Blowing loneliness through me
Grey and howling sky

There's a keening wind
That haunts me like a banshee
Tears fall from the sky

The sky--grey chaos
A keening wind blows through me
Lonely is the storm

Never Give Up 2025

Roughly five years ago my mom died, and I was laid off the same week. I took full advantage of the pandemic and stopped paying my rent. At the time, I felt the money would be better used to purchase heroin and put off grieving as long as possible. Of course, this wasn’t a conscious decision, and I didn’t realize what I had done until much later.

Since I’d already been an IV opiate addict for over a decade, all I had to do to fall into kind of deathly trance was not resist. I passed four months on my ratty couch driving black tar into my veins and surrendering to apathy. I didn’t look for work, I didn’t write, I didn’t do shit but feel sorry for myself and alone in the world, even though I wasn’t. I’m not proud of this behavior, nor did I suspect how hard I could make things for myself by fucking off those four short months.

I rode my unemployment benefits until the wheels fell off the engine seized up. I grudgingly went back to work building fences and decks for a shady, poorly managed mom and pop general contractor. The company that handled the messy business of renting to a crook like me had little leverage to oust me from the brick apartment I’d come to call home, so they offered to forgive my past-due rent, and even allow me a clean rental history if I would kindly get the fuck out of Dodge. I saw it for the great deal it was, and talked my uncle into letting me rent a room in exchange for $400 a month and free carpentry labor to remodel his home.

For six months I hustled side jobs, defrauded the government, smoked fentanyl, drove broke down, unregistered vehicles that did not belong to me (not that I had drivers license anyway) and did my best to deal with my deranged, drug-addled thief of a relative (not my uncle–he’s always been cool). Life was difficult to say the least.

I spent the next six months living in my work partner’s garage–forbidden by his ultra religious wife to enter any other part of the home for any reason. I was happy to have that much. I kept hustling what work I could find, washing my clothes in buckets and shitting either in garbage bags or gas stations, and spending any money I made on fentanyl. At this point it was becoming clear, even to a dense junkie like me, that this lifestyle was not only unsustainable, but leading me to some unhappy combination of incarceration, madness, and death.

Life continued like this for another year: me getting the boot for one reason or another every six months, struggling constantly to keep working, keep out of jail, keep a vehicle running, keep getting high enough to make the wasteland I’d let my life become seem tolerable.

I found out how true it is to say “It’s darkest before the dawn.”

I lost the car I’d fought savagely to keep on the road to the impound, but not before pawning my tools to and try and save it. I developed bronchitis, and the DA caught up to the temp agency I’d been working at and started taking so much of my check that I couldn’t afford to work there. I didn’t have money for food. I couldn’t pay the rent at the weekly where I stayed. I was already hungry and about to be homeless for real.

The last day I had in the weekly I spent enrolling in a sober living program. I was ashamed to see my kids (had been for a while), I felt unemployable, and unworthy of anyone’s love. The day I committed to being sober, doors that had been welded shut started springing open. I found a job with easily the best employer I’ve ever had. I went to intensive therapy and lived with the craziest muthafuckers I’ve ever met, but I started feeling something I had almost forgotten I could feel: happiness. I knew hope again. I was a drowning man pulled suddenly aboard.

Now, it’s been a long road filled with plenty of slides back into old ways, but as 2025 dawned, a serenity I have never felt so strongly before has taken root in my being. I’m positive, I’m active, I’m actually happy now, not just aching to be that way. And all I can say now is “Thank You.” I rejoice in the gift of each day given to me by Creator God. I feel absolutely lucky to have this measure of peace and confidence in that which is life-affirming.

If you’re going through it, please, please, please never give up. Life is an ever-unfolding wonder.


If Kills Could Look

I am under spiritual attack by my government. The so-called “poison” they used on the roaches has only made them stronger, increasing their predatory weight by more than 155.341%. Bastards even used trained bed bugs on me. I knew it was them because they scanned me in the second grade to procure future infobytes and ways to re-format me. That’s how they found out I was terrified of bed bugs, and the reality of that demonic, government infestation was far more terrible than my childhood imaginings.

I went deep though. I flipped the script as I heard someone cool say once. –on them. I flipped the script on them. I never was good at being cool. The bed bugs tried to eat me, but I ate them first. They’d grow fat on my bloody essence, and I’d replenish my vitals by trapping the fattest, most alpha bugs in-between my molars, which I used to grind them into distasteful chi. O, how they feared me then! Fuck you, police state; I know how you operate. Often you ensnared my bedazzled wits with your psychic propaganda. You even recruited my friends to the CIA for an evening to force me to believe aliens were using LSD to speak to me through the TV.

And they were!

But I had no use for believing that, and it haunts me periodically still.

The Priests of Judas revealed your Eye In The Sky; revelry led to revelation and putrid inner revolution, but the real solution was all illusion. I know, a bit confusing, somewhat amusing, and it’s why for so long I kept right on using. A crazy person accused me of being interested in what she was saying, and I tell truthfully I absolutely was not going to tell the truth because the Truth doesn’t need me to. It’s fine without my spurious help. I always felt bad for Wile E. Coyote, and I know for sure why Charlie Brown kept trying to kick that fucking bitch in the pussy.

Caveat: taking any of these meds seriously is an emotional metal disease infusion, and should be avoided if one feels like being dodgy. And always remember: even if you study as hard as you can, I still won’t understand.


Wait…

I sat down to share this haiku, and then realized the one friend who subscribed to my blog (I don’t know how to tell—I just know he did) is dead now because of a fentanyl overdose. Like so, so many. Anyway, I love and miss you Matt. I think you would’ve enjoyed this poem.

Reno Regency Haiku

Stoned I smash a roach 
With my boot not a lighter
High-disrupting fuck

On Addiction

I don’t know if I’m more irritated by the trite, common sense advice well-meaning yet ignorant “normies” hand out (e.g. “pull yourself out of it” and “change who you hang out with”), or by the fact that they’re right. What most lucky, non-addicts, point out is, well, kinda fucking obvious. Yeah, I realize my life is a burning car crash. I know it’s better not to be on fire, believe me. But I also understand your confusion when you see a person who you thought was mostly brilliant (I kid, but the smartest people I know are addicts) keep burning his or her hand on the metaphorical stove top. And there’s the rub…. addiction is a fiendish motherfucker. I wish I had better answers. Imagine playing a nasty, manipulative game–the prize is your life and sanity–against someone who is exactly as smart and trickerous as you, all while you’re high as giraffe pussy.

I’m not trying, I don’t think, to defend addiction. And the normies are right, fuckers. All I guess I’m saying I think I’ve said before: if you have an addict in your life, before you give ’em the ol’ buck up, stiff upper lip there lad (lass), maybe educate yourself a little about how truly difficult living with addiction is, and be compassionate. Junkies got it tough enough already without the tough love. I raise a middle finger to that kind of love. Don’t need ya.

I love all you folks who have to deal with my stubborn, addicted lot. I know it’s not easy. Real love rarely is though. Thank you to those who stuck it out or are in the process of. Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up. That goes for everybody.


Just kidding

Wow, God, it’s a good thing my sense of humor is as robustly sick as yours.

You’re writing your autobiography. What’s your opening sentence?


A Product of My Environment


A Question Worth Considering

How do I be a dad, when I grew up with such a poor example? My mother, God rest her soul, did all she could, loved so much sometimes I wonder if that’s what really killed her, yet a mother can’t teach a boy to be a man, much less a father. And my father? I don’t want to inflict that example on my sons; I love them too much.

So I draw from the behaviors of my male mentors who guided me through my troubled youth. I observe life as it interacts with my heart, and I learn what I can. I stay as steadfast as I can in practicing what I believe. When I fall, I get back up. I promise myself I’ll never give up, and sometimes that promise is the only hope I know.

I tell my children the truth–I’m transparent in my parenting–perhaps I tell them too much at times, forgetting they are children. But I love them above all else, and I feel my unconditional love perhaps makes up for some of my many shortcomings as a parent.

I embrace labor as a sound foundation for a flourishing life. I continually cultivate positivity and happiness within my mind, knowing how bleak life can appear when experienced through the living lens of apathy or stagnant sorrow. I fill myself with buoyant laughter to avoid being pulled under by swirling currents of black depression. I refuse to drown in that too-familiar sea.

I strive to always do the next right thing because I know I’m being ever studied by my pair of sons. Children will brook no hypocrisy, nor should they. When I teach them to question authority, I can hardly grow angry when they eventually question mine.

Mostly I just follow my gut. I follow the Tao as best I can and parent accordingly. Perhaps no example was the best example after all.